Imagine you win a free trip to a Caribbean island… but the only catch is, there is only ONE plane ticket provided, and you’re married with two kids.
How would you feel? What would you do?
Miraculously, this just happened to me, and what it revealed was striking.
Flash back to a few months ago when I was speaking on a panel at the Boston Globe Travel Show. On a whim, I stopped by a tourism booth with two 4-foot-tall inflatable flamingos out front.
“What’s going on here?” I asked, as one does when one encounters inflatable flamingos with a horde of humans flocking around.
“It’s a contest to win a free trip to Bonaire!” sang the woman behind the kiosk. (I discreetly Googled “Bonaire” and learned it was an island next to Aruba in the Caribbean.)
“Oh, of course — Bonaire!” I replied. “How do I enter the competition?”
“Pose with our flamingo friends, post the photo on social media, and we’ll draw a winner,” the gentlewoman responded. “Done,” I declared, zipping over to embrace the bobbing birds.
We took the photo. I won the contest! Then… I suddenly had ONE plane ticket to Bonaire.
Now, I love my husband and kids so very, very much, but I must confess: the vision of a week of quiet, clear, solo thoughts and actions was delicious as ice cream.
Feeling guilty and freakish, I ran the reaction by a group of local mothers.
“GO ALONE AND LOVE IT,” they all belted in unison.
“All I wanted for Mother’s Day was a day to be left the heck alone,” one confessed, “but how do you tell that to people you love so much? It’s hard for me to articulate this push and pull of desires.”
Fast forward to sitting on the couch with my husband.
“Let’s see how much plane tickets cost so that I could come to Bonaire, too, and maybe also the kids,” my spouse cooed, trying to soothe what he thought was my upset at the prospect of traveling alone. “You’d be bored just hanging around that island for a week, right?”
“Mmmgg,” I muttered vaguely.
We searched flights, and they were stratospherically expensive.
“Oh nooooo-hooo,” I semi-convincingly sighed, thoughts drifting towards long, solo walks… writing, uninterrupted, all afternoon… leisurely browsing 12 lunch places before picking one… not “hearing” the thoughts of anyone but —
“I don’t want you to come,” I blurted. “I want a break from ‘hearing’ everyone’s thoughts.”
“What?” my husband replied.
I went on to explain, best I could, how being a wife and mother too often turns into a marathon of guessing and attending to everyone’s needs. Feminist marriage though we have, this fact is still true.
I grab the silence of alone time when I can — I walk the 3 miles home from work every day so I get that moving meditation plus an hour home before everyone else returns — but having a whole week to myself would be revitalization incarnate.
Bless him, my guy immediately got it.
“That makes perfect sense,” he said. “Why did you wait so long to tell me what you really wanted for this trip?”
Truth. I gave thanks and embraces.
Until I became a wife and mother, myself, I always assumed married ladies and moms wanted to be with their families non-stop, and if they didn’t, they were — actually, it didn’t even occur to me that they might not want to be with their families non-stop. Silly me.
So let us sing it from the swings: if you’re a wife and/or mother, it’s all right to want some alone time! Thank you, spouses and kids for supporting us as we recharge our superpowers. We love you!
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Moushumi says
May 29, 2018 at 12:38 amYou are one lucky wife! I am happy that your hubby and family allowed you for rejuvenating solo trip. You are an inspiration, thanks for sharing your ideas through this blog.
Lillie says
May 29, 2018 at 8:27 pmThanks for reading and taking the time to comment!
Ben says
December 22, 2017 at 11:17 pmWhile I understand your take on things, and I’m glad you and your husband see eye-to-eye on this and there’s no conflict, as a husband of a frequently travelling wife, it can hurt sometimes if overdone. I’d be curious to hear your thoughts or those of your readers on the following situation (I realize it’s quite different to the scenario in the above piece which is a one-off thing):
My wife went to university very far away from her family for 4 years, and then did a fifth year away from them afterwards. During this time, she only got to go back and see them bi-annually. I found a job in a new city a few hours from her home-town, and it seemed to be a win/win situation. I even kept saying “and it’s close to your family so you’ll be able to see them more!”. I expected her to go sometimes, but after a month of settling into our new life she announced one day that she’d be going for the better part of a week the day after tomorrow. I didn’t really like that she just made the plans first and then announced them, rather than discussing it with me to see if it was a good time for both of us. After all, we just moved to a new city where neither of us knew a soul, so I felt it would have been nice if she at least talked to me about it first, as in “how would you feel if I made my first trip home this coming Monday?”, but I chalked it off to her excitement to see them overwhelming her and making her temporarily insensitive.
It was a very difficult week for me, because, as stated, we just got here and I felt extremely isolated, but I kept it to myself to not spoil her family visit, and welcomed her back with rose petals and a card. But 2 weeks later, she did it again, the exact same way, making the plans first and then casually mentioning that she would be leaving on such and such day.
Since then, she has gone every 2 weeks for 5 or 6 days at a stretch without fail. She’s currently gone on her 5th trip, and we’ve only been here 4 months. I did tell her after her second trip that, although I don’t begrudge her visiting her parents and grandparents, that I think the amount of trips is excessive, and also that I don’t like the disregarding way in which she went about it. After that, she did start bringing it to my attention before trips, but the frequency hasn’t changed, and the conversation seems to me to be purely ceremonial, since I’ve told her how hard it is for me here alone and she still goes.
Since we’re otherwise happy together, I don’t want to start some problem over this after I’ve already told her how I feel and risk being alone here ALL the time, and she’s assured me that the trips will decrease in frequency after this Christmas trip, but all in all this hasn’t exactly been good for our marriage, and I feel disregarded by the whole thing.
Lillie says
December 24, 2017 at 3:02 pmHi Ben,
Thank you for sharing your situation. It does sound like a difficult one. Speaking for myself, the thing that really helped our communication around time together and apart was getting a third party to guide our discussions and coach us on how to communicate so we could hear each other clearly. More about this in #2 of this article: https://www.aroundtheworldl.com/2017/06/26/working-mom-tips/ . This may not fit for your situation, but the bottom line is that this can be solved with communication. Wishing you so much luck!
Izy Berry says
August 20, 2017 at 3:59 pmWoohoo! congratulations on your well-deserved win and solo trip!!
Lillie says
August 20, 2017 at 4:58 pmThanks so much!
Jessica says
July 26, 2017 at 9:31 amCongratulations on winning the trip, Lillie! I’m not a mother, but totally understand the feeling of needing and wanting alone time. As much as I love my husband, I relish my solo adventures too. Have a wonderful time!
Lillie says
July 26, 2017 at 9:32 amThank you Jessica! I just returned from the trip and it was GREAT. Working on the article about it now, but hard to choose from so many beautiful Bonaire beach photos!
Charlie says
July 18, 2017 at 3:25 pmCongrats on winning a solo trip! And have the courage to tell your family that you were going to do it. Family travel is great, couple travel is great, but taking a trip alone can almost be euphoric! I hope you get plenty of rest and relaxation, as well as writing done. Can’t wait to read about your trip!
Lillie says
July 18, 2017 at 5:55 pmThanks, Charlie!
Punita Malhotra says
June 16, 2017 at 12:46 amThat must have taken quite a lot of courage, telling your family that you want to go alone and be away from everyone for a change. But we all need our me-time, and its a great stress-buster.
Jolene Ejmont says
June 15, 2017 at 8:13 pmAh yes, I have had similar conversations with husband love and I feel guilty every time I talk about it! Reality is that I have never been on a solo trip and I think it would be a great experience for me! But so far, even though he has agreed to it, I haven’t had the ‘guts’ to actually push through with it! Good on you for getting a much needed break :) The hotel looks beautiful!
Lillie says
June 15, 2017 at 8:16 pmThanks for your insightful comment! To clarify the photos: I haven’t taken the trip to Bonaire yet (it’s coming in a few weeks), so those photos are from an earlier solo trip I took to Turkey.
Mel | the Wandering Darlings says
June 15, 2017 at 5:52 pmYas girl!! You go and enjoy your trip. You need some you time, and what a top bloke you have for getting it. Hope it will be absolute bliss!
Lillie says
June 15, 2017 at 8:10 pmThanks, Mel!
Katie @ Zen Life and Travel says
June 14, 2017 at 8:16 pmOh yes, alone time is the best!!! I think I could handle a week on the beach by myself : ) My husband and I make a point to leave our daughter at home with the grandparents on most of the trips we take. I am a stay at home mom so I really appreciate the time when I can just be me and not “mom”.
I recently tagged along with my husband on a business trip so I had lots of time by myself – I walked around, stopped for coffee, did some yoga and went out to dinner by myself – it was GLORIOUS!!
Kavey Favelle says
June 14, 2017 at 1:45 amI don’t have kids but can totally understand that you may need some time to be YOU first, because when you are with your family you are partner and mother, and those roles are so important. When you travel alone, you have no roles to play, other than being you.
Sarah says
June 13, 2017 at 5:09 pmEveryone needs time alone. It’s part of a long happy marriage to create that separate space or each other. Though I’m not a fan of solo travel myself, it’s fun to take an afternoon or part of each trip to go off solo. Makes for a happier marriage!
Carol says
June 13, 2017 at 5:07 pmI love traveling with my husband. But I also enjoy solo travel as well. He doesn’t always want to do that extra week… or that weird location that I’m super keen to do. So in those instances, I travel on my own and have a great time doing it.
Kimberly says
June 13, 2017 at 2:10 pmWholeheartedly agree with this! I’m thankful that I have a loving hubby who gets it and is good with it. I took a 17 day trip to Africa once without my family and it was really empowering. Plus I was able to come home and share some great stories with my family.
Sarah Ebner says
June 13, 2017 at 7:26 amLove this article and totally relate (although I wonder if a week might be too long). Sometimes you need the quiet, the time to unwind and just be. Glad you won it and have that – many mothers will be envious!
Cathy Sweeney says
June 12, 2017 at 3:21 pmAmen! My husband gets it, too. Most of my recent travel has been as a couple because the hubby has more time now, but I savor the opportunities when I can just take in a travel experience solo. When I did a lot more travel by myself, many people couldn’t relate to how I could do it without being lonely or bored. I guess we all have different ways of looking at life and travel, but I cherish my independent side.
Loredana says
June 12, 2017 at 3:34 amIt looks like this trip will be exactly what you need. I totally get you: sometimes we need a short break:)
Kirsten says
June 11, 2017 at 7:07 pmWhen I travel alone for work I am almost giddy at the thought. As moms and wives we don’t make enough time for ourselves and it’s nice to have that time alone. Sounds like it will be a wonderful trip!
Alyson says
June 11, 2017 at 1:37 pmI have JUST got to the point of going away alone! If we weren’t full time travellers I wouldn’t even entertain the idea for a second, family holiday time is too precious to normal people, but I’ve just got there. Mine are 13 and 11 now and I haven’t had, nor wanted, a day without them in all that time. But they’re growingly independent and I feel happier to leave them. I might go off and do some serious hiking or cycling, shift all the blubber cooking for boys has added. But, in all honesty, I’d still rather do it with at least one of them, they’re such good fun, but so expensive!
Tiffany says
June 11, 2017 at 1:24 pmYes yes and HELL Yes to this article!!!!!!
DEAN WILLIAMSON says
June 11, 2017 at 8:53 amGood on you for travelling alone, I just hope my wife doesn’t get any ideas.
Flamingos are your “wingmen” … did your husband come up with that? It’s definitely a dad joke.
Lillie says
June 11, 2017 at 8:55 amHaha — no, I am a master of corny puns all by myself! :) My spouse’s jokes are far classier.
Bisa says
June 11, 2017 at 8:09 amLillie you’ve described it perfectly why it’s important to take trips alone. It’s “A break from hearing everyone’s thoughts”. I travel solo and people are shocked to find out I have three teenage girls at home. I don’t lock them up while I’m gone. Someone is making sure they don’t burn the house down. Unfortunately some woman friends feel I’m abandoning them. I feel it’s needed for me to keep my sanity.
Lillie says
June 11, 2017 at 8:14 amSo true! High five, because by going, we are also modeling for our girls that when a woman is married, it doesn’t mean she has to stop being her independent self!
Adele McKeon-Millard says
June 11, 2017 at 8:04 amThanks for writing this and bravely saying, yes I’m a wife and mother and I’m also a woman who needs her alone time! I also love that you reference your feminist marriage. Newlyweds that my husband and I still are at just over a month into marriage, I have already used the term feminist marriage to describe our union and it made me happy to see it’s a term you also use. Enjoy your trip, may it be what you hope it will be and may you return refreshed and relaxed.
Lillie says
June 11, 2017 at 8:08 amYES for feminist marriages! What we’ve found, five years into our holy matrimony, is that the society pull of damaging gender expectations is so strong. It’s taken us all these years to finally make household chores equal, for example, but by constantly interrogating and discussing what works for EACH of us, we’re making progress each day!