Why Do New Parents Disappear? See This Graphic...
When humans travel to certain places, certain things inevitably happen. Folks who voyage to West Africa often return with a vibrant African print cloth shirt or dress. Travelers to Vietnam rarely leave without scarfing down Pho soup. And new parents who enter Newborn Baby world nearly always... disappear.
I witnessed this New-Parent-Vanishing numerous times over in the last decade, always from the outside. Coworkers who were models of excellent communication went utterly dark for months. Good friends with fresh babes suddenly stopped returning calls or emails. Family members with new kids grew distant.
But there was no way this would happen to ME after having a baby, right? After all, I've always been the master of multitasking, juggling dozens of commitments effortlessly. How could throwing a newborn into the mix change the pudding of life so much?
Well, now Colin and I are two weeks into New Baby world, and... me oh my. It's unlike anything I could have imagined in terms of intensity and life upheaval. Before getting pregnant, I vowed that once I saw the situation for myself, I'd report back on exactly WHAT takes up so much new parent time. So here it is.
Below are two graphic displays of exactly how Colin and I have spent our hours since Devi was born, thanks to a sweet smartphone app called BabyConnect that we are using to track feedings and diaper changes.
What this graphic reveals is that a baby needs to be fed and diaper changed every 1 to 3 hours, be it night or day, and feedings can take at least an hour. A stretch of four free hours is a shock and privilege to the parents of a new baby.
Take the December 6 entry, for example. On that day, I did an exhausting cluster of feedings between 2am and 4:30am. Then you see a gap of six hours between 12pm and 6pm where there seems to be no feeding.
Well, there were actually two feedings in there, but at that point I was in too much pain and too exhausted to enter it into the app! Further, "free" hours are often spent cuddling or bouncing the babe to keep him from fussing, or desperately trying to nap or do house chores. Caring for a new baby is all-consuming, and needs as big a support staff as possible! Now let's focus on nursing for a moment.
As you can see from my chart above, nursing alone takes roughly 23 hours a week: the equivalent of a substantial part-time job. And keep in mind that these numbers are lower than reality, since sometimes I've been too tired to log a feed.
All travel to new areas has surprisingly challenging portions. People told me of the air pollution in China and India, but I didn't realize how much it would impact my mood until I was coughing through the thick smog.
Similarly, I heard vague rumors of how nursing can be difficult in Baby Country, but I had no idea how much I'd struggle with it, nor how painful it is when done wrong (as I did way too long and am now arduously trying to fix).
Thank goodness that Colin and I have both our parents and brothers helping us out here, because simply focusing on mastering and carrying out nursing is keeping me totally occupied!
Anyway, this is all to say that I get why new parents disappear now, and I hope these graphics help illuminate it for you, too. Despite my best efforts, time and space have warped with our beautiful new baby's necessities. Colin and I are not interacting with the world the same way anymore...
...and, as shown in the picture to the right, it's all worth it!
The author, Lillie Marshall, is a 6-foot-tall National Board Certified Teacher of English, fitness fan, and mother of two who has been a public school educator since 2003. She launched Around the World “L” Travel and Life Blog in 2009, and over 4.2 million readers have now visited this site. Lillie also runs TeachingTraveling.com and DrawingsOf.com. Subscribe to her monthly newsletter, and follow @WorldLillie on social media!
Wow. That is a LOT of time feeding! My husband and I keep talking about having kids and I get totally overwhelmed just thinking about it whenever I break it down to "how will this child fit into my insane life"?! Glad you are coping with it all so well :-)
-Tasha
In fact it's now about 5 hours a day and 30 hours a week now that he's 6 weeks old, but I've been told it will get lower as he gets more efficient. Regardless, I do want to report, 6.5 weeks in, that I am REALLY enjoying this parenting thing, and it now feels totally manageable. Yes, I've temporarily altered much of my own crazy life to fit all this, but it is so worth it! I'd say if you have a supportive, committed partner, feel mostly ready, and are older than 26 (when the human brain supposedly develops) then don't over-think it, just go for it! :)
Wonderfully honest and awesome insight! As usual. Our little one is due in March. You gave me hope that tall chicks (I'm 6'1) can produce normal babies. But the nearest friend or relative from my husband's side lives a 10hr drive a way. My family lives on the other side of the globe. It'll be tough and scary but I still have three months to make new friends in our new town. :/
Congratulations! Things are getting so much easier and more fun 5 weeks in, so you'll be fine. And on another happy note, our nurse told me that taller women generally have easier labors. Good luck!
Congratulations!!!!....!!! Felicitaciones!!! Wow...!! Big, big hugs to you...
And THANK YOU for this article... I have been on the outside of this phenomenon so many times now, and I just didn't get it - until now. Thanks so much for sharing.... !!!
Glad I stumbled over your site; just shared it with daughter who had her first baby a couple of weeks after you were blessed. Best advice I ever received about my children (seems every parent is a magnet for advice) is to always enjoy them where they are. Children are obviously always in a state of change as they grow up so if you spend time wishing for what they were or longing for what they will be, you'll miss it all.
It's pretty obvious your baby has very special parents. God bless.
Ken, I love this advice! Thank you!
It is really tough to deal with a new motherhood, Lillie as the 24 hours pass by just like few moments and going on vacations seem to be dreams. I guess, you need to wait at least for 6 months to plan a trip, but the experiences are worthy of all of your efforts. Bliss indeed!
When my girlfriend had twins, I didn't see her for two years. Now, I know why! Good luck with the feedings and changes.
I can't even IMAGINE what these charts would look like with twins! Oy vey!!!
Ofu, I'm glad I'm putting off baby until I'm good and ready - I work 23 hours teaching a week! I can't even imagine nursing that long! I suppose it's different to be on the inside, though - I bet you're enjoying every moment and bonding with Devi. Congrats again to you and Colin!
I remember those days with my sweet girl! I went back to school when she was three months old, and stopped at the daycare between classes to nurse. Yep, every two hours, and all through the night! At the time, I felt it would be forever… Now she's twelve, and I wonder where those days went. Enjoy these precious moments! What sweet photos!
Congrats Ms. Marshall! I hope you have nice motherhood journey! :) :-) One tip is don't be too over protective because children don't like that! Also, although it may seem a child does not know what they are doing does not know what they add doing, does not mean they don't.
Wise words for a child! ...But not quite a match for a little baby :)
I totally agree with this post......... as I've seen personally that ladies with small kids do not get enough time for other work. Even they don't get time for them selves............I salute women hood as they take care of house, children and even some ladies go for job... That is the reason after God... we give place to our mothers.
I really want to know the marketing for that app. "Do YOU want to optimize your baby's feeding experience to maximize developmentally synergistic neuropsychiatric pathways? Well then YOU need ToiletTime!"
I remember being in utter shock about how hard nursing was. Hardest thing I have ever stuck with, but awesome once we all figured it out. Infancy will seem like an eternity while you're in it, but will be over in the blink of an eye.
Thanks, Deidre!
First- congrats! And Second- you are so right, although I found that I became a speed typer on my iPhone when my oldest was born and got a ton of work emails done while nursing. My clients in China at the time were thrilled because normally they would have to wait a full day for my answers to their questions on a project. Ever since I've texted and typed like a pro. And third- I promise you will sleep again. After two boys, I swear it eventually happens :-) Stay strong lady!
Thanks, Keryn!
I so appreciated reading this! When I was "there" I never thought I would be "here" (at 8 months old). I remember it well! I used Baby Connect, too! It's an awesome app but when you look at the number of hours spent nursing alone....wow. I know it. Seems like everything is going so well! Enjoy the deep darkness of winter snuggled up with Devi and Colin.
Wow! That must have been really exhausting! To keep charts and data must have been a lot of work too! This proves you are a true and loyal Humanities teacher, only you would have enough stamina to do that! Good job, even though life is busy!
:) :) :) :)
I remember those early days! My little guy just turned 6 months and those first 6 weeks are a blur of feeding, changing and cuddling. Enjoy every minute, it goes by way too fast and as I'm coming to terms with more and more each day, you only have your first baby once. Silly as it may sound, as difficult (yet rewarding and amazing) as those first days weeks and months can be, they only last but a short moment in the grand scheme. Best advice I ever received...."every day it gets a little bit easier". Enjoy your beautiful boy, you're in for a beautiful and rewarding ride!
Love this. :) Thank you!
My babies are now 30 and 28! I still remember the exhaustion of the first 6 months. Well maybe the exhaustion of the first few years!!! Nothing is as intense as caring for a baby. NOTHING.
It is the best and it is the worst all at the same time. Just being that sleep deprived can make you crazy.
If you think it would work and feels ok you can pump some breast milk and let your husband do a few night feedings to help you sleep a bit. As your baby grows he will be able to go for longer periods and you will get more sleep hopefully! Making milk takes lots of energy! It is ok to ask for help with food, housework, laundry...whatever anyone can do for the two of you. Thanks for posting.
Ruth
Great tips!
Hi there. Congrats. I remember those days - of talking your face off when you encountered another adult human being because it was just about the baby! It sounds like you are doing "on demand" feedings? I breastfed as well but with the night feedings we would put the breastmilk in the bottle along with baby cereal mixture and it worked like a charm - baby would sleep for hours! Try it! If they have a full tummy they will be content! Good luck!!
Ooh, thanks for the tip!
As many parents tell you, it does get better. Our son wouldn't nurse so as a dad I was much more involved in the feeding process. He also didn't care much for the bottles. I hated those times when he would take an hour to take a bottle at 4 a.m. He is 7 now and I still have terrors when I hear a baby cry. It reminds me of being woken in the night. Good for you for getting this post written.
Thanks! Good to hear a male perspective.
I remember those days well - lillie nursed every 2 hrs around the clock for years. you'll get there!! and he is SO precious!!
Sounds about right. I'm also impressed that you posted a coherent blog post about it and are trying to keep records! The photo of the boys sleeping is adorable.
Now it's the time to chill out and have a travel break. You can fully focus on looking after your beautiful baby and start making some plans for the future travels. You can fully concentrate on developing your blog :).
Oh my! That conclusion is not exactly what those charts above suggest!
Yeah, I remember those days...kinda. I was too exhausted fora lot of permanent memories to sink in, so I remember that blur I should say. Enjoy your baby, he's really beautiful (chins and all).
Thanks, Jennifer! There is much to enjoy!
Congratulations! Your little darling is adorable. The first few weeks are rough. Hang in there, it gets better quickly. I am in awe that you were able to write something coherent, let alone thoughtful and intelligent. And with charts! You're doing great.
Thanks, Natalia! My coping strategy in life is writing for a large international audience, so it's worth the effort for me to get a post up despite typing it with one hand while nursing and getting spit up on repeatedly while editing photos. :) Thanks for the "it gets better" message. Several other folks have said the same thing, which makes me feel a LOT better, it really does!
Oh my sweet potato pie have I been in that struggling to nurse place and felt like I needed still one more person to talk to about it because I could not possibly make my darling husband listen to another second and I had ran out of everyone else's patience as well. If you need an understanding ear, call me. I will fb message you my numbers. It gets better. Way better.
Thanks so much, Toni! I had no idea it would be so challenging, but now that I'm struggling with it, nearly every woman tells me that it was drama for her, too!