Independent yet happily engaged at the Mycenae archaeological site in Greece.
“Have a good summer, Ms. Marshall!” my students hollered as they poured out of the class and into the sweaty summer hallway. One boy, Aiden, stopped short at the door. “Wait,” he gasped happily, “next year you’ll be Mrs. Whatever-Your-Husband’s-Name-Is, not Ms. Marshall, right?”
“NOOO!!” I shrieked, face flushed with emotion.
Poor Aiden nearly dropped his bright red backpack. ”But you’re getting married, aren’t you?” he asked, befuddled.
“Yes,” I bellowed, “but I am NOT changing my name!” My sweet seventh grade student looked shocked.
The ancient, vibrant colors of the temple at Mycenae, Greece have been lost... like a woman's identity can get lost when she marries and takes another name.
“That’s possible?” he gulped.
YES, humans of the world, a woman does NOT have to change her name when she gets married.
In my case, there are several strong reasons why, even though I adore my fiance, I am keeping my name.
Here’s why:
1. I don’t feel like changing my name. Feminism is about choice, and I choose to spend my time doing things like, you know, making a speech with the Mayor of Boston, or writing 800 more articles, or uniting Education Bloggers to transform teaching, rather than doing weeks of paperwork to erase my former identity.
This map shows Mycenae, Greece, circa 1900–1100 BC. Only a few walls are left. What remains of the empire of a businesswoman who changes her name?
2. Altering my name would be terrible for my business. Currently, if you Google my name you will get pages and pages of articles by and about me and my Teaching-Traveling-Writing-Speaking career. I am proud of each and every one of those articles, and have worked hours every day to build up this online empire. Should a businesswoman with an extensive online reach really throw that all away? I refuse to.
3. My partner loves and respects me, no matter what my name is. I praise the Earth and sky for sending such a phenomenal man to be my partner: a man who not only created a rose petal scavenger hunt for our engagement, but who has also never once made me feel guilty or wrong for my choice to keep my name. THANK YOU, open-minded men of the world!
These walls in Mycenae, Greece hold history, as does my name.
4. Changing my name would make me feel sad. No matter how you slice it, the person who has to change their name gets the short end of the stick. If I were forced to do it, I would feel insulted, disrespected, and depressed. Instead, my partner and I will create a loving, wonderful family based on equality, communication, and mutual respect. And that makes me happy!
So what are YOUR thoughts after reading this article? If you changed your name or plan to change it, what are your reasons? If you kept your own name or did a creative name merge, tell us why, and how it went!
Click here for more photos and articles from our Greece teacher tour of historic sites. For our two secrets on how to save money on a wedding, click here!
Great conversation going here! Just happened upon this via Twitter and thought I’d add my two cents. I never had a particularly strong attachment to my own name, and I thought I might change it when I got married someday, but I wasn’t decided either way. Your comment about having so much history with your maiden name is a good one, although my name is so common I don’t stand out very much in a Google search!
Once I was engaged, I did feel a pretty strong desire to change it, which actually surprised me, but in the end I didn’t, because it would be somewhat of a bureaucratic nightmare, at least right now. My husband is from Argentina, where women don’t change their names officially (they might add their husband’s to theirs, but just in informal use). I own property here from before we were married, so that is in my maiden name, and my passport and now Argentine residency card are in my maiden name. If I were to change my name (and I could really only do it in the U.S.), then my passport wouldn’t match any of my other documentation here and could make things even more complicated than they already are, so I decided it wasn’t worth it! Maybe someday I still will, who knows.
The most important thing, as you mentioned, is that we have the CHOICE to do it the way we want, whatever that is.
Fascinating international perspective! Thanks for adding it!
I’ve been happily married for 5 months with a half Greek/half English guy and we live in London. He knew even before we got engaged that I was keeping my name when I got married. The reason is simple: I am Mexican and in Latin American countries and Spain we have two surnames. For instance, the actor Gael Garcia Bernal (father’s surname is Garcia and his mother’s is Bernal). Under Mexican law it is not even alllowed to change your name fully. Gael’s mom can be called X Bernal (and whatever her second surname is) or X Bernal de Garcia (de means “of”)
I seriously don’t understand what the issue with today’ s society is with a woman keeping her own birth name. I think that a woman could marry more than once and therefore have different husbands. Your parents were there from the beginning and will always be your family even beyond death.
My mother in law thought it was outrageous I was not changing my name but I seriously don’t care. As a matter of fact, since my children will have dual citizenship they will have two surnames on their Mexican passports. Isn’t this more egalitarian?
Excellent points!
I kept mine and added his so now I have a 3 part last name (his mom and dad never married so his mom gave him a two part last name)!!! I love that I kept a part of me with my unique maiden name and his unique last name. Also, it’s fun to perplex the employees at DMV since they have to include my entire legal name on my license.
)
Yes!
Before my son was born, I didn’t feel that my husband’s name was mine. I didn’t identify as being his in that sense. But the longer I’m married, the more strange it feels, emotionally, to not have the same name. Also, it feels strange to have a last name different from my son. I identify most closely with my son and husband. I think it will remain that way for the rest of my life. It feels primal. I’m not of any religion, so there isn’t anything religious informing me of how I should feel here.
It’s aggravating trying to manuever through decisions in a sexist world. I’m constantly trying to discern what what “traditions” are right for me. While I believe that, after 3 years of marriage, taking my son and husband’s name is right for me, I don’t dare assume that all women should feel that way. Who would blame a person for wanting to keep a symbol of her autonomy from her husband in a world that often goes so far as to address her by both her husband’s first and last name?! Ugh. Disrespectful.
But I realize something important for my decision: 1. I am not and should not be in control of what others do. 2. The heart of feminism is about creating a world where a person can manuever through all the sexist c— to discern what’s truly best for him/herself AND have the freedom/liberty to move toward it. The label is deceiving. It began as movement centered on women. I believe its end goal is to free both sexes from the social and political bondage that comes specifically from the alienation b/t sexes. War teaches that the “winner” is the one who loses less. Great (note: sarcasm).
I’ve kept my maiden name for three years as a matter of principle in a sexist world. But as much as I desire to maintain this symbol of autonomy to others, feminism shows me why the larger culture should not be part of this decision. Feminism screams, “You alone determine this. Don’t play autonomous. Be autonomous.” I’m not giving up my name. I’m willfully taking what I want and believe is mine.
Also, I wonder if men are not the ones who have the shorter chain when it comes to names. Women are met with confusion when they exercise their right to choose names. With men, the subject is rarely even touched. If they want that choice, I’m pretty sure they’d be met with more cultural resistance than me.
Fascinating and powerful points. Thank you for taking the time to write this!
My boyfriend/future husband told me he wanted me to keep my last name because its pretty (i have a very french name). I told him I wanted to have his last name too though, and since he’s Colombian, and in his culture it is common to have 2 last names (the mother’s and father’s) I want to do that (even though my name is already ridiculously long and will become more so.
Then he asked if he would be allowed change his name so he has my last name as well (so we both have the same double last name, and each other’s names). I love it.
Awesome!!!
Hello! I did change my name, because I felt no attachment with my previous name and a big sense of starting a new life, a new family unit.
However, I would have retained the right not do so!
I once taught in the same school as a man with the surname Willimot … for obvious reasons he was Mr. Wilmot as far as the children were concerned (willy = dick in British English) … I decided then that if I had any misgivings about the surname of somebody I wished to marry then I would suggest choosing a completely different surname for the new family unit.
I quite fancy Kershaw that is a couple of generations back in my family, but a place-name that was significant to us both would be a contender. Or perhaps a character name from a book that we both love?
I’ve just asked hubby whether it would have bothered him if I had not wanted to take his name, no – that would have been my choice to make as far as he is concerned … but his mum would have been upset. His mum is very attached to the family name, and the fact that there are less than 100 of them in the UK and only a scattering worldwide … but she is very bothered about the name being passed on and was actually really pleased when we had a second son because of the survival of the name …. So I suppose there is a need to consider the impact on other members of the family – future children or older generations – whilst still making the decision that is best for you, just so that you understand their feelings and their reasons and are able to explain your decision sympathetically.
Great point! Family does need to be taken into account, to an extent.
Well, as long as you both agree. That is the main thing.
Of course, this will complicate things for any children, and you better have a plan for that ahead of time. Also do note that those double barreled last names can cause problems in some places. So a kid called “Smythe-Jonesmere”, might run into issues some day. A quick and dirty example: When I worked that the DNR Tax Dept, they had a “length limit for data fields”. One woman had a rather long name: “Ludimilliasa S—–Dumbrow—–”. Whenever she got any correspondence from the government, her name became: “Ludimill S—–Dumb”… It caused her no end of frustration. (Note that I have changed the names to protect her identity, even though this was many years ago.)
And do note, that should you evver change your mind, well, it can be handled then. So, I would not worry too much about. it. The important thing, is to concentrate on having a good sound relationship.
Ans also: Good Luck! Best of Happiness! And so forth.
Thanks, and good points!
The most important thing is that when your partner loves and respects you, no matter what your name is then it really doesn’t matter. But in most cases, husbands prefer that wifes adopt there name. So in your case, you have got an understanding and loving better half. Lucky you!!!
He’s a good one!
Good idea! I think you audience is quite savvy, so I am not surprised there have been no shocking remarks. One of the official wedding site websites has the most ridiculous conversations regarding weddings. Mostly people whining about how they can’t possibly “get everything they want.” One couldn’t decide between a limo and some horse carriage thing?! THEY would be shocked at your article! I was tired of reading that nonsense, so I googled “$2000 wedding” and this one website came up and I fell in love with these sorts of ideas. I don’t know if I could buy a $20 wedding dress and alter it, but it has much to say about priorities the reason why people have weddings in the first place.
I hear you! I always thought I would make my own wedding dress (as I did my prom dress), BUT I got swept up way more in Wedding World madness than I expected. More about this here: http://www.aroundtheworldl.com/2012/07/16/wedding-planning-is-travel-to-a-crazy-foreign-country/
I probably shouldn’t admit that I bought a $1600-2000+ dress at a consignment shop that was never worn for MUCH less than the original price tag (and received a military discount). Hopefully the capital letters in MUCH will indicate what an amazing deal I received at this exceptional boutique for the perfect dress, which was very different from my original vision but fits perfectly with my Winter Solstice theme. I wish that I could refer everyone to this boutique, as they have high quality and most often unused gowns at wonderful prices. If you are in Wisconsin, please contact me for info, or if out of state I highly urge you to seek out a similiar place.
Our 12/22/12 wedding will be his second marriage (with 3 adult children from his nearly 25 year 1st marriage) and my first, kind of–as my courthouse marriage based on lies of a number of years ago should have been annulled, but the paperwork was filed too late. (I was with that man less than 3 months; a many weeks of which he spent in jail or attempting to get sober, It was a major error on my part. I did not take his name….)
At least a decade ago, I chose “a professional name” that was easy to spell as my family name is complicated. My Father was offended and didn’t understand this artificial and not legal name change. Dad gave his blessings to my now fiance many months prior to his sudden death, and more than 1 1/2 years before my beau proposed to me. I want to keep my maiden name, as I am in my late 40′s. My groom to be has already had a Mrs His Last Name (and will not join our names together), and as an aside I don’t want to have to sign my checks as (Mrs) “insert celebrity name”…. I have had my name for a long time and am the first of my siblings to marry. We will not be having children and I do not wish to relinquish my identity (but would like to acknowledge my marriage).
Does anyone have suggestions for me? I am certain that our families will not understand my not changing my name. (BTW—this is will be a unification ceremony at this point, not one that has a legal marriage license for various reasons, so changing my name isn’t really an option currently.) We will have a “legal” marriage at some point in the future, but I still don’t want to change my name, How do I make people understand this, and understand the spiritual ceremony as opposed to the “being approved by the government…”
Interesting! Thank you for sharing your story. My advice would just be explain it to them once, politely and warmly, then if they ever hassle you about it again, just smile kindly and say something like, “I get that it’s confusing, but this is our choice. Thank you for understanding.” At the end of the day, people have bigger things to get upset about than this detail. Best of luck!
Thank you for your advice. Our Thank You notes are being written with a return address of “my last name/his last name”. I hope this helps people to get the picture. We made certain that the minister and the musicians did not introduce us as Mr and Mrs, rather by our first names (Which actually turns out to be Ken and Barbie, [although I prefer Barbara -- and couldn't figure out why the minister kept calling me Barb...] who we had represented in several places at our wedding/reception. Oddly enough, our musicians were Jack and Jill…!!!
Mom found a beautiful gown for $18 at a thrift store, and although the choice was difficult, I chose the original one. For brides on a budget, I suggest searching in places that probably don’t occur to you beyond the big name bridal places. A beautiful wedding does not have to have a price tag of many thousands of dollars (a friend’s was over $50K — a down payment on a house!) and simple elegance is just as wonderful.
Great advice!
I’ve been married seven years, and I still haven’t changed my name much to my husband’s dismay. I didn’t go into the marriage thinking I wouldn’t change my name; actually I didn’t give it much thought at all. I had no idea that I’d have the reaction I did when it came down to doing it. I got married at age 30. I’d been Leah Walker for three decades. I didn’t want to take my husband’s name partly because I thought I would be giving up who I’d always been. To me it doesn’t make our marriage any less valid. To him it feels like a slap in the face. He could never understand what it feels like because he would never have cause to change his name. I’m not changing it and neither did three of my best girlfriends. The end and good for you.
I hear you!!!
I have a nephew that took his wifes name. He liked hers better. they have been married for over 10 years and the children have no problem with their names.
Love it!
This is a topic that’s launched many heated discussions in my social circle. My first camp was to change your name for a multitude of reasons, some good and some just silly. Now I’m months away from receiving my PhD in biochemistry with a list of publications in my maiden name, and I’m not so sure. I firmly believe that my voice expresses who I am then the exact name associated with it. Think of how many famous quotes were made by “anonymous,” the idea is still there long after the name. I believe the most important thing is to make a decision that you are comfortable with for reasons that make sense to you.
Super interesting. Thanks for your comment!
I just got engaged and have always struggled with if I wanted to change my last name. Currently my last name is hyphenated with both my parents’ names. My social security card only has my dad’s name on it and throughout my life I’ve struggled with two last names and things becoming confused. Positively, I’ve been viewed as very unique because of it. Explaining many a time to people I meet that my name is from my mom and my dad and the origins of each. My husband-to-be has a very nice last name and it would go very nicely with mine. He has strong feelings about wanting me to change my last name. I probably should delve into why he has such strong feelings about it. Hopefully it is not “that’s just the way it is”. I consider myself a very independent person and somewhat of a feminist. My mom hyphenated her last name, as well as my brother’s last name in order to keep the family name alive. (Due to my grandparents having all girls). I am just graduating PA school this month and am soon to start my career. Therefore, I have yet to establish myself in my profession; this being a large part of the reason why women do not change their name, I wonder how I feel about it.
Question: If I do want to change my name, should I do it now before we get married and before I start my career? Or do I wait until we get married and I’ll be 2 years into my career and I’ve established some part of my professional self?
Any advice? Thanks!
Congrats on your engagement! I see your dialemma and wish you the best. In the end, whatever you choose will be fine as long as you’re both fine with it. Regarding your question, others could answer it better than me because I have no idea. Every time someone tried to explain the process to me I screamed, “I AM NOT CHANGING MY NAME SO DON’T TELL ME THAT!”
I suggest reading: http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/09/changing-name-marriage/. Very eye-opening.
I agree with Lillie and do what feels right, but get published today! If you decide to change your name you can use Stephanie _(Different married last name)__ (née DeFlavio). This way all your articles still pop up with both names.
Officially engaged (1 year ago) and I am a super-proud feminist (Feminism is not a bad word). My partner knew this about me 10 years ago. 6 years ago we discussed the whole name change thing and I discovered he wants me to change mine, but he won’t change his. I proposed multiple suggestions, but that is what it came down to and so I refuse to change mine out of principle. A bit child-ish, but I gotta stand up for what I believe in (as does he).
I don’t wear my engagement ring (why should I announce my marital status when males don’t have to?). Personally, I don’t care if we ever get married, (obviously), but will have to figure out the legal rights for each other at some point. I was thinking doing what is offered to gay couples? Not all the marriage benefits, but I think it covers some legal aspects.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for these helpful ideas. Regarding engagement rings, you could try what we did and have both parties wear one. I’ve heard the man’s called a “mangagement” ring.
Colin just got a cheap silver one and now keeps it in storage to wear if we travel. Good luck!
I just got married last December, and I DIDN’T change my name. It wasn’t even an option. Any guy that I’ve ever been serious with knows that I’m NOT changing my name. No one owns me. It just seems so antiquated.
Every woman has a choice, but it’s mind-blowing in this day and age that so many woman willingly and happily give up their last names. Seriously? It totally baffles me. Your name is who you are. It’s like saying that you have no identify until or unless you get married.
I really wonder how many of those women’s husbands would do the same?
Just my two cents.
And by the way, I’m a big time Feminist, and proud of it. My husband, well, I couldn’t ask for someone better to walk through life with. I love him and even more for accepting my unconventional choices.
“It’s like saying that you have no identify until or unless you get married.” Oh my God, that is totally right! That is totally another reason I also refuse to change it!
When I married my real husband, the one I’ve been married to for 30 years, I didn’t take his last name. I had already been there and done that when I married at 21. The experience of being divorced at age 23, and sitting in the bank, Social Security office, and the DMV, changing my name back to my “maiden” name, convinced me that I would not be going down that road again. IN 1982, when I remarried at age 28, not changing one’s last name when marrying still struck some people as overly progressive. My mother was convinced our children would be “confused” if I did not share their last name. The IRS also needed convincing that I was Suzanne “Fluhr” even though I was married to Steven Albelda. First the agent told me it was illegal —“Um, I’m a lawyer and no it isn’t.” I didn’t have as quick an answer when he asked, “So, then why did you get married?” He settled for, “Because I love him.”
I still love him. And our sons seem like pretty “normal” twenty-somethings. We didn’t burden them with a hyphenated last name, but I notice that they both use their middle name (my last name) and their father’s last name on documents they consider important. So, my older son is engaged to be married. His fiance plans to change her last name. To each her own.
Suzanne,
The IRS interrogation story is so intense that I had to read it aloud to my friend. WOW. Thanks so much for sharing!
One thing I forgot to add that most of us don’t think about, at least I know I didn’t until much later.
Last year I began tracing my ancestry (fascinating, yet challenging on some branches) in the process there were issues with identifying last names regarding various spellings, also because on my irish side a few of the women were indentured servants and given their “owners” last name.
For future generations I would suggest leaving a documented trail of who you are and why you didn’t change your name. Many times the reasons, the stories, the practices that are acceptable in society during our lifetime etc will be lost through the generations.
Just a thought.
Karen
Fascinating and important idea!
I’m getting married next year and I will be changing my name.
The only two sons of my grandfather each had 3 girls, in a valiant attempt to save the family lineage as a young girl I declared that I would keep my name. However, my grandfather said that it wasn’t the same. I didn’t understand him then but I do now.
I’ll mostly be changing my name because mine is hard to pronounce and spell, while my fiancé’s is a very famous city. Few mistakes can be made there! He also has his mother’s maiden name as his last name, so it’s not really giving in to patriarchy, but as the only male grandchild in his family, we’ll have the chance to continue his family line.
I think I’ll always be a Ms. though, probably at least until we have children.
It bothers me that your grandfather didn’t give you the same respect that he would have given a male child who said this. I think that just shows how unequal our playing field has been and continues to be.
Since you have made up your mind, for fun you should “change your mind” and ask him to take yours. I did not expect what I heard when I asked mine that. I am sure he will be relieved that you were only kidding, but it would be something else important to know about him.
Hi!
We were married 6 years ago when we were both 40. I didn’t change my name..
I had never given it much thought, but when I started reading the Bridal Magazines
on all that you needed to do..I thought ….. what a pain!
I also had the same reasons that you have…
For us when it came to children having a different last names it wasn’t an issue because we knew
we were unable to have children before we got married.
Honestly, my husband just doesn’t care. As he says, I married you not a name.
2 tips/examples I want to give you regarding traveling.
1. When we were in Croatia heading from Dubrovnik to Korcula on the ferry. I stayed with the luggage
and J. went to get the tickets. From a distance I saw him show his passport and then write down
something on a clipboard that the ticket agent handed him. I didn’t think anything about it, but
later I asked what he wrote. He said …o,h she asked for me to write down our family name and
how many people. Well, he wrote his last name and 2. Not even thinking about it. The fact is
if somehow there was a ferry accident. I did not enter Croatia under his name. My passport
is under my maiden name
2. If you are traveling into an Islamic OR any conservative country bring a copy of your marriage certificate
we were question if we were married once in Goreme Turkey otherwise the inn keeper insisted we needed
2 rooms. (we did have the copy)
Congratulations once again!!!!
Karen
Very important tips! Thank you!
Great tip about bringing a marriage certificate.
Hi Lillie,
I feel the same way, and I have had long talks about name change with my boyfriend and probably future husband. He prefers to have one family name and thinks that our future kids would feel more comfortable with the same last name. I think that having separate names is totally fine and won’t mess up unity. Love is what holds a family together, not a name.
Just the other day, I was introduced to a MAN who took his wife’s maiden name after they got married! Well actually, they both changed their name to a hyphenated name, and I thought that was really interesting. First time I had ever heard of a couple doing that.
-Alexa
I totally agree about a family being based on love and respect.
[...] up, from Around the World “L”! Why I Am Not Changing My Name After Our Marriage. I’ve been seeing similar cases like Lillie. Also, it’s the thing I’ve never [...]
I didn’t take Dan’s last name for many of the same reasons you mentioned above. I’m a rather independent person and my identity is also tied to my name. Although Dan jokes about it, it really doesn’t bother him and we have a fun time confusing people from time to time. The only thing that I’ve noticed is that sometimes airlines will split us up on flights because they think we’re not married because of the different names. Kind of annoying, but not the end of the world
It was great seeing you recently at TBEX and congratulations again!
Great to see you, too, and interesting about airlines. I’ve never been split up when traveling with friends and booking together, but I will keep aware!
Hey, Ms.Marshall! I agree with you. Women have the right to decide whether to keep their maiden or not and their lover should be able to accept that. I think it’s great how times have changed and women are able to do all these things. It’s kind of funny how Aidan asked you that, and how he was also surprised that women are able to do that. I notice how women in this century have even more power than before. Usually, it was the men who had the most power in the household, now women have even more power in the household, although I think the only reason it’s like that now is that the children are scared of the mom. I know I am. (:
I probably won’t get married anytime soon but I am pretty attached to my last name. Even more so, though, I’m attached to my middle name! It’s after my grandmother and I wouldn’t want to lose it or have four names. So I’m not sure or anything, but keeping my name is definitely something I’d consider.
I’ve always had an attachment to my last name. Not because it’s particularly awesome sounding – in fact a lot of the time I think it sounds quite boring. But I love it, because it’s mine. Whilst I’m not anywhere near the point where changing my name or not would be a discussion at the moment, I still feel that I’d much rather keep a name that has signified me for my entire life. And if, when I do get to that point, anyone disagrees? Well, I’ll just show them this post!
High five!
I loved this post! I got married 1.5 years ago and I haven’t changed my name. At first it was because we live overseas and it would be too much of a hassle from across the world but now I’m not sure I’ll ever do it. I like my last name, I like how I identify with it and I like having a bit of autonomy.
I love this post for so many reasons. I personally will be changing my name after marriage but that’s what this world is all about — choices and variety of people. I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time and admire you and your relationship with your future husband. You two are perfect for each other (not that you need me to tell you that) and I wish you all the best.
xo
Fellow blogger/devoted reader.
P.S. Make sure you carry a copy of your marriage certificate or some sort of documentation for proof of marriage. I work in the travel industry and since you travel quite often, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you how many surprises can come up with policies.
Thanks so much for this moving and helpful comment!
I’ve gotten the impression that people, for example at airport counters in the US, assume my husband and I are not married because we have different last names. But when we were buying airplane tickets in Ethiopia, my ticket said Mrs. before my name, even though we’d never said whether we were married or not. Turns out, married women don’t change their names in Ethiopia. It tickled me so much and made me happy, even though my title isn’t Mrs. and in other places assuming I’m a Mrs. makes me a little uncomfortable. (Nothing wrong with being a Mrs., it’s just not me!)
When I lived in Japan where most people do take the husband’s name, I had good friends who had their mom’s last name (as did their dad) because the mom came from a family of all sisters, and as she was the eldest daughter, she was the one designated to carry on the family name. Taking a husband’s name is definitely not a worldwide given.
My husband has suggested (actually, he said it before we were even engaged) that our kids take my name, because there are no boys with my last name in my generation, so the name would just end. I was skeptical at first, but he has cousins with their mom’s name, and I see that it works well for them, so I think we might just do that!
Fascinating global perspective!
I’m 23 and single so this probably won’t affect me for some time but I saw the hassle it gave my mom when she was married and divorced (and she changed it back). Also, I had a professor once who had changed her name with her first husband, and her husband was a professional as well (in a different field) and people would actually think articles that she wrote were HIS. This pissed her off to no end after they got divorced so when she re-married she kept her maiden name that time. I actually have my mom’s maiden name as my last name as well, because my parents weren’t married when I was born. I have a strong connection to my mom’s side of the family, and not my dad’s, because my mom raised me so I think it’s appropriate. I like it! I wouldn’t want to change it. The only reason I would change it is if the guy had some freaking awesome last name (which I doubt would happen lol). I don’t want kids so that last name problem doesn’t apply to me at least.
Sure. What the heck. Whatever name you choose, it’s a man’s family’s name anyway. So, whether you choose the name of the man you chose, or keep the name of the man who made you (and his father’s name, and his father’s name, and…), it’s a man’s name anyway. And – certainly – Kim is a manly man.
I just wonder about the hyphenators. If Kimberly Sylverter-Merritt marries David Sullivan-Cuester, are the children Sylverter-Merritt-Sullivan-Cuesters or Sullivan-Merritt-Sylverter-Merritts?
Why does convention exist? Is it simple expediency, or is there a greater purpose?
Tom I laughed so hard when I read your post! so true, its nice to here some simple logic in this long list of emotional women, not that I really disagree with y’all, y’all do what you want… I just find the conversations funny somehow. I am changing my name… I am not tied to my old name by business stuff, so its just way easier to have the same name as my husband, also, since my first name is long, it will be nice to have a short last name for a change.
I thought I should let you know people have thought about i!
http://apracticalwedding.com/2011/09/changing-name-marriage/
About twenty years ago, after I’d recently gotten engaged, a girl who was about 10 asked me if I was going to change my name after I got married. She knew about this idea because her mother had not changed her name when she got married many years earlier. When I told the girl that I was planning to keep the same name I’d had, she cheered and said it was the right thing to do.
I love my husband very much, but I was the same person the day before I got married and the day after – it seemed only fitting to keep the same name.
I’m proud that the 10 year old is still a free thinker too
I didn’t change my name for the business reason you mentioned and because I love my oft-mispronounced last name. But for a while Todd and I considered BOTH changing our last names to a new mishmash of both. We nixed that idea when we realized how much work it would have been.
Just in case we met a culture or person that didn’t understand that we could be married with different last names, we brought a copy of our marriage certificate with us when we traveled around the world. We thought it might come up when we tried to rent a room with a single bed in some highly religious countries, but it didn’t.
The only time my not taking his name has been mentioned was one relative who sent a check as a wedding gift. They made it out to me but with Todd’s last name. I couldn’t cash it! I think that was them making a not-so-subtle dig.
That is horrible! I really hope they didn’t do that on purpose, but if that is what they were feeling, then it was probably dirty money anyway and your marriage didn’t need the negativity.
Right on!! When my last partner and I started talking about our future together I decided
I wasn’t going to change my name either. Turns out, the relationship didn’t work out and I’m keeping my name regardless haha
I just got married in January and am in the process of changing my name…and realize that I’m totally the minority among my married girlfriends, as most of them kept their given names. There wasn’t any pressure to change it, and my husband actually pretty surprised when I told him I was going to change it (he wasn’t expecting me to). I never had a strong attachment to my maiden name, and it’s early enough in my career that the change didn’t cause any problems…plus I’ve always really liked my husband’s last name.
Interesting!
I’ve never been married and am currently engaged as well. It’s never even been a question that I would not change my last name, and I don’t even like it! It’s Mueller, and in high school I used to always get this “Bueller, Bueller, Bueller” you know, from Ferris Buellers Day Off. It is MY name though, and it’s part of my identity. Whenever the subject comes up, I always ask the men if they would change their name and almost 100% say no. Why do they expect us to then? It’s just not fair!
Exactly.
If/when I get married (I’m currently single so it will be some time), I would prefer my wife to keep her surname. Because I would like her to be the way I met her and there would be beauty in her keeping her name. If I get married to a lovely woman, I would think that her name brings out a big smile.
Good man!!!
I can’t wait to change my last name. I despise my current last name (it has a strong sexual connotation) and I hate introducing myself to others (adults and students alike) and see the smirks on their faces. My fiance’s last name is from a very different background and I look forward to people expecting to see an asian woman walk through the door and see a blond, white woman instead. I don’t want to have to deal with determining which last name my future children would take, or if their names were hyphenated, which name should go first. I feel no pressure from my fiance to change my name, but I instead feel pressure from my family to keep my last name (as I am the only child in the family, so the name will end with me). While I very much respect other women preferring to keep their own names and completely understand why (Lillie, you mentioned many great reasons), I also know many women who turn up their noses at others who plan on changing their names, suggesting that women who do so do not care about female empowerment and equality.
What you say makes a lot of sense! Thanks for sharing your story. I officially un-turn up my nose
I am going back and forth about changing my name too. I feel like the person I am is so tied to my last name. Maybe that’s a silly idea, but it feels apart of me!
Just like we discussed on Twitter, Korea doesn’t have a custom to change women’s name after the wedding. Children follow father’s last name just like the US though. This is a new concept for me (not that I just found out, but I never thought about it). I met several cases like your story, that women wouldn’t want to change their name. I’m not the one to say, but I think it’s just about different perspective with different generation. It’s ‘tradition’ after all. In the old days, women usually didn’t have any career to keep, but nowadays, especially for us writers, name is a brand.
Thanks for explaining this. People in the U.S. think this is “just the way it’s done” the world around, but as you show, it’s not, and it’s a vestige of history that is often no longer appropriate.
I have been married for 17 years and didn’t change my name. Our marriage has lasted despite this apparent lack of committment by me, my daughters aren’t confused by the fact that we have different last names, their school isn’t confused by the fact that we have different surnames, and the world hasn’t stopped spinning. It amazes me that 17 years on, young women are still hearing the same comments about keeping their names. Your name is your identity – if giving it up was no big deal then more men would change to the names of their new wives. If you don’t want to change your name then you shouldn’t feel pressured to change it. I really hope that when it comes time for my daughters to get married that they don’t feel judged by a choice to keep their names.
Beautifully said!
My mother had changed her name when she married my dad, then changed it back after they divorced. She kept it after remarrying and has been known by her maiden name professionally. I think she wished she’d never changed it in the first place, but that wasn’t the done thing in the 70′s. Since I was getting married and immigrating at the same time, I elected to keep my name and luckily my husband felt even more strongly than I did that women shouldn’t have to change their names. I would have gone for hyphenation, but our last names don’t sound good together. If we have kids, we’ll decide what names to give them then–heck we might make up a new last name entirely! I don’t think having different surnames in a family means there’s any less love or sense of connection than if everyone has the same name.
Right!!
Not changing my name.
I’ve got a French last name too and my parents decided to stick me with a French first name. My name sounds horrible combined with any Anglo-Saxon name. So I’m keeping it the way it is.
Right– Flow is very important, and the odds that a random new name will fit are not always high.
Think Connie Chung, Katie Kouric, Ellen. I think you get the message
I have a friend, a guy, who changed his name to his wife’s. Do you have that option?
You could use both as well.
Right– Big-time traditional celebrities NEVER change their names (and are never expected to) because everyone knows their names are tied to a brand. People are only now starting to realize the same holds true for less traditionally “famous” people who nonetheless have cultivated large online presences.
As a guy I am not expected to and at the moment not something I really need to worry about but have thought about this anyway.
The idea I had was she would hyphenate my last name to the end of her’s and I would add her’s to the end of mine. Then if we had children the males would take mine and the females would take her’s. When they got married they would drop the last part of the name and then add their spouses.
I like to complicate things as you can tell and I don’t intend on having children so I don’t have to worry about trying to convince anyone of this plan not that I am in love with it just seemed like a fair way to work the whole thing out.
Your point about losing the connection to the articles and presence you have created, assuming you wanted to change your name and not suggesting you should by any means, you could keep your old name as a “stage” name.
Very interesting take! Thanks for sharing it!
Thank you! I’m not married or even engaged but I know that when/if I do I wouldn’t change my last name. I don’t think there is a good enough reason for me to do it. I like my last name, it’s what all of my colleagues know me as, and I don’t think women should have to change their names just because they get married. I dated this guy and when I told him that I would never change my name he said, ‘no, if we get married you will change your name, it’s not an option.” Well, that relationship didn’t last! My current boyfriend could care less and agrees that women should be able to keep their name if that’s what they want. All my girlfriends are getting married and they have all changed their names and they think it’s so weird that I wouldn’t. One of their husbands even told me I had “p***s envy.” Rude! Sorry this is so long I just appreciate when I see other women who believe the same thing I do.
Thanks so much for your comment. It’s so gratifying to know we’re not alone!