Why I Said NO to a Name Change After Marriage
Women, it is an option to keep your last name...
"Have a good summer, Ms. Marshall!" my students hollered as they poured out of the class and into the sweaty summer hallway. One boy, Aiden, stopped short at the door. "Wait," he gasped happily, "next year you'll be Mrs. Whatever-Your-Husband's-Name-Is, not Ms. Marshall, right?"
"NOOO!!" I shrieked, face flushed with emotion.
Poor Aiden nearly dropped his bright red backpack. "But you're getting married, aren't you?" he asked, befuddled.
"Yes," I bellowed, "but I am NOT changing my name!" My sweet seventh grade student looked shocked.
"That's possible?" he gulped.
YES, humans of the world, a woman does NOT have to change her name when she gets married.
In my case, there are several strong reasons why, even though I adore my fiance, I am keeping my name.
Here's why:
1. I don't feel like changing my name.
Feminism is about choice, and I choose to spend my time doing things like, you know, making a speech with the Mayor of Boston, or writing 800 more articles, or uniting Education Bloggers to transform teaching, rather than doing weeks of paperwork to erase my former identity.
2. Altering my name would be terrible for my business.
Currently, if you Google my name you will get pages and pages of articles by and about me and my Teaching-Traveling-Writing-Speaking career. I am proud of each and every one of those articles, and have worked hours every day to build up this online empire. Should a businesswoman with an extensive online reach really throw that all away? I refuse to.
3. My partner loves and respects me, no matter what my name is.
I praise the Earth and sky for sending such a phenomenal man to be my partner: a man who not only created a rose petal scavenger hunt for our engagement, but who has also never once made me feel guilty or wrong for my choice to keep my name. THANK YOU, open-minded men of the world!
4. Changing my name would make me feel sad.
No matter how you slice it, the person who has to change their name gets the short end of the stick. If I were forced to do it, I would feel insulted, disrespected, and depressed. Instead, my partner and I will create a loving, wonderful family based on equality, communication, and mutual respect. And that makes me happy!
So what are YOUR thoughts after reading this article? If you changed your name or plan to change it, what are your reasons? If you kept your own name or did a creative name merge, tell us why, and how it went!
Click here for more photos and articles from our Greece teacher tour of historic sites. For our two secrets on how to save money on a wedding, click here!
Interested in the many facets of marriage? Check out "What to Say to Someone Going Through a Divorce."
The author, Lillie Marshall, is a 6-foot-tall National Board Certified Teacher of English, fitness fan, and mother of two who has been a public school educator since 2003. She launched Around the World “L” Travel and Life Blog in 2009, and over 4.2 million readers have now visited this site. Lillie also runs TeachingTraveling.com and DrawingsOf.com. Subscribe to her monthly newsletter, and follow @WorldLillie on social media!
This post is so powerful. I married right after law school and became professionally known as my married name. 6 years later, I divorced, and even though I had no children at the time (which brings additional considerations), I did not want to disrupt my career nor my life (credit cards, acquaintances, passport, drivers' license, etc.) by changing my name. Plus, I had grown to identify myself by my "new" name - not by my maiden name. Some 16 years later, my daughter's father has questioned why I didn't change my name back. I love your commentary on how it is our choice (and there is no wrong one) and observation that we take the brunt of the whole situation.
Kat,
Thank you so much for taking the time to share this view of the topic! It is our choice indeed! Sending you my best.
I've been married less than three months. This is my second marriage and the first one ended many years ago. When I was married the first time, I took my husband's name, and when we got divorced I went back to my real original name, vowing to never change it again. My new husband and I had this conversation and we decided that we would both keep our original name, but add the other one's name after so we kind of match. He is Charles S. A-L, and I am Marla L. L-A. I am proud of my heritage and he is proud of his. We are happy with our new names and our new marriage. It was interesting reading the other replies.
So cool! I love all the creative options, too!
I changed my name when I got married. I didn't have a strong attachment to my maiden name. My husband is Hispanic and I am white, so it does sometimes confuse people that I now have a Spanish last name. Ha! I once had a Fed Ex guy look at my signature, look at me, then say, "You married to a Spanish guy?" I laughed out loud. Anyway, we now have two kids, one looks more like me than the other, so I'm glad for safety sake and clarity that we all have the same last name.
That does make a lot of sense in that situation.
I am German and married to an American. I wanted to keep my name out of sheer laziness and to keep my family close in a way while building a life abroad. But my hubby asked me to take his name in a more commemorative way than when he proposed so I couldn't say no. :)
I did not have a middle name and moved my maiden name into that always empty box and happily became Mrs. X.... I was also a tad paranoid that Immigration would somehow scrutinize the validity of our marriage more if we had different names. All is well, no regrets and the paperwork wasn't that bad... :)
Oh and... unwanted ghosts of the past can't find me that easy on social media :)
Ah, all good reasons!
I believe in the union of marriage between male and female. To me marriage is a oneness separated only by the personalities each one brings to the relationship.
If, being united as ONE, what is the problem with taken on your husbands last name; it can be hyphenated with yours also. I guess I am just to old fashion for most people. I don't believe education, beauty, money, and social statuses should play a part in this if you got marriage.
Thanks for sharing your perspective!
My husband and I are Jewish and decided to take his Hebrew name as our surname. This way, we have truly, 'left mother and father and become one flesh."
Great conversation going here! Just happened upon this via Twitter and thought I'd add my two cents. I never had a particularly strong attachment to my own name, and I thought I might change it when I got married someday, but I wasn't decided either way. Your comment about having so much history with your maiden name is a good one, although my name is so common I don't stand out very much in a Google search!
Once I was engaged, I did feel a pretty strong desire to change it, which actually surprised me, but in the end I didn't, because it would be somewhat of a bureaucratic nightmare, at least right now. My husband is from Argentina, where women don't change their names officially (they might add their husband's to theirs, but just in informal use). I own property here from before we were married, so that is in my maiden name, and my passport and now Argentine residency card are in my maiden name. If I were to change my name (and I could really only do it in the U.S.), then my passport wouldn't match any of my other documentation here and could make things even more complicated than they already are, so I decided it wasn't worth it! Maybe someday I still will, who knows.
The most important thing, as you mentioned, is that we have the CHOICE to do it the way we want, whatever that is.
Fascinating international perspective! Thanks for adding it!
I've been happily married for 5 months with a half Greek/half English guy and we live in London. He knew even before we got engaged that I was keeping my name when I got married. The reason is simple: I am Mexican and in Latin American countries and Spain we have two surnames. For instance, the actor Gael Garcia Bernal (father's surname is Garcia and his mother's is Bernal). Under Mexican law it is not even alllowed to change your name fully. Gael's mom can be called X Bernal (and whatever her second surname is) or X Bernal de Garcia (de means "of")
I seriously don't understand what the issue with today' s society is with a woman keeping her own birth name. I think that a woman could marry more than once and therefore have different husbands. Your parents were there from the beginning and will always be your family even beyond death.
My mother in law thought it was outrageous I was not changing my name but I seriously don't care. As a matter of fact, since my children will have dual citizenship they will have two surnames on their Mexican passports. Isn't this more egalitarian? :)
Excellent points!
I kept mine and added his so now I have a 3 part last name (his mom and dad never married so his mom gave him a two part last name)!!! I love that I kept a part of me with my unique maiden name and his unique last name. Also, it's fun to perplex the employees at DMV since they have to include my entire legal name on my license. :o)
Yes!